Forgive me if I’m a little extra emotional today. I’ve been fighting back tears on and off since I woke up this morning to a bare room, all of my belongings in boxes in the living room. I knew this day was inevitable, that at some point, I was going to have to walk out of the Dexter house and start the next chapter of my life. The funniest thing is, I’ve been just chomping at the bit to get going to that next phase, counting down the days and weeks and months until I get to be Mrs. Clayton Messinger (And don’t get me wrong, I still cannot wait for that day!). But today, I just want to put the breaks on life, I just want to stop and bask in my youth, in this time of life. Allow me to be sappy and nostalgic for just a moment while I say my goodbyes to the house that built me in so many ways.
I remember walking in the doors of 1009 Dexter for the first time. I was going to my small group leader’s house as a little baby freshman, wide-eyed and wondrous at the thought of getting to live in a real house with your best friends, silently dreaming of how I might get to this point in just a year. It seemed unreal to me at that moment, the thought that I could ever find friends with the kind of bond my small group leader had with her roommates. I had the best friends a girl could ask for back home- dare I believe that I could be so fortunate again, here, in a city that I moved to all alone?
At that tender point in life, I was desperate for closeness, and I clung to those around me. Erin Burns (now FINCH!) was a safety net for me in those days, her presence above me in Aston Hall and constant relief from the worries and stresses of my new life. Visiting the Dexter house with her in my small group, we knew this was where we were supposed to be, even if we didn’t know who else was supposed to join us yet. It felt like home before we actually got to call it our own.
Beth Owens and Alexandria Boyce had joined our little home soon enough, and plans for the fall were falling into place. I barely knew these girls at the time (at least it felt that way) and I was anxious all over again when we moved in. That year was such a growing year- I learned how to make friends (a skill I must admit did not come as easily to me as I had given myself credit for), I learned how to trust God’s provision, and I began to see glimpses of the community that God wanted me to build in this house. When these precious ladies asked me to move with them to a new place, I made the tough decision to stay at Dexter; while I didn’t know all the reasons why, much less who I would even live with, I felt a tugging on my heart to stay, and that there was purpose in this. It seemed so silly at the time, looking for roommates when these girls were my rock, but beyond the practical reasons there were to stay, I knew there were heavenly reasons as well, and I wouldn’t have missed that for the world.
That’s right about the time I found Allison. We were in Covenant Group together. My prayer request was that God would direct the three young ladies He had for the Dexter house to me, and sooner rather than later please. Moments later, Allison lifted up her request that the Lord would show her and her two friends where they were supposed to live. It didn’t take but a few moments to realize what the Lord was doing in that covenant group time. He was doing something far greater than we knew. He was bringing together a college family, four girls who would love on each other, sharpen one another, and build a haven for the remainder of these short college years.
Once again, I found myself nervous at the prospect, but it only made sense, really. I didn’t know the other two girls from Adam, and Allison and I had only briefly gotten to know each other. They came over one night to take a look at the house, and my heart was so full when they left. I saw in those girls in that night a tiny glimpse of the incredible adventure the Lord still had in store for me.
I’d be lying if I said that to this point, at 2 years into my brief 3 year college stint, I was happy with what college had to offer. People made college sound like the time of your life, and I’ll be real with you, it was hard. I had a few close friends, but there was still this part of me that wondered if I’d ever find friends like I had in high school, and I began to grow increasingly aware of my average college experience as over the years my high school friends reported the incredible times they were having in their respective cities.
I’d also be lying if I said that my last year in college wasn’t worth the first two average ones. The last one absolutely blew my mind. Here’s what I didn’t know- I didn’t know that God had picked out sisters for me to live with, I didn’t know that God had an entire family he wanted me to join in Impact, I didn’t know He wanted to show me a glimpse of what He created me for in allowing me to lead in Phi Lamb, I didn’t know He was going to break my heart for His daughters, I didn’t know He was going to let my heart break so that He could heal it, I didn’t know that those sisters He gave me were really angels in disguise, I didn’t know that He would use my house as a ministry tool, I didn’t know I could find other girls whose heart beat was to serve Him, girls who would get on their knees with me, cry out to God with me, rejoice and laugh and love with me. I didn’t know just how much GOODNESS He had in store for me, and how I wouldn’t have recognized how absolutely mind-blowing that one year was had I not been through a drought in which I had to ask God for it.
Even over this last year, while I wasn’t still in college, He gave me another year with these sisters and brought in some more- including my own blood sister. I could not have imagined a sweeter blessing than the opportunity to share pillow talk each night with my baby sister, to gently help her in to college, to watch her grow and blossom and have so much freedom and enjoyment in her first year. It made those years I didn’t get that feel redeemed because I was able to see my sister get her feet firmly planted. I saw God bring together a house of girls as different as night and day, in totally different seasons of life, love on each other unconditionally, rely on and trust each other with everything, and truly crave life together. The snapshots in my mind of those sweet years will forever be locked in my memory.
I walked through my house just last night as I was packing up boxes and putting them all in the living room.
That brick-walled living room has seen so much. I was flooded with so many different images. Too many movie nights to count accompanied by Dairy Queen and Twizzlers. Nights in the dead of winter when the heater was out and we bundled up in every garment we owned and clung to each other on the couch for warmth. 2AM during finals week, the ground littered with books, Starbucks, and a house full of friends from all over who were drawn to this little house of joy. Countless prayers lifted up, encouragement, discernment, challenging each other, going through the growing pains together, and bringing in an entire community to do that with. That living room has seen so much LIFE in such a short period of time.
We sat in the kitchen last night, talking over what Texas A&M has meant to us. Even a year removed from school itself, I get emotional thinking of how truly blessed I was to get to experience community like I did. That kitchen, where so many cookies were made. So many girls came in and out of that little space to eat chocolate and girl talk while the hours slipped away. How many nights did we pull all-nighters at the table, laptops aglow, breaking every 10 minutes to laugh together, to keep each other sane? How many times did we look across the table and know that those precious moments that you get to live in the same house as your best friends are truly treasures, and how often did we do everything we could to burn those images in our minds? The spring-time, when that space was covered in bright colors from all the Impact festivities, boxes of t-shirts for Phi Lamb, and constant reminders that we would GLADLY endure the clutter for the opportunity to live this life, to do ministry, to lead out in ways that God designed us to. I will never forget the joy in that kitchen.
I walked into Haylee’s mostly empty room and sat on her bed Indian style, the way I’d done so many countless times while she got dressed or painted her nails or half-heartedly did homework while we chatted. About anything and everything really, the same conversations, updated only slightly, adding in witty comments where we found them appropriate just to keep each other laughing. My potluck roommate turned best friend. She loved on me more powerfully than I could have ever guessed in my biggest moments of need, and from that point forward, I knew she was the forever friend type. I’ve seen this beautiful girl lead out so fearlessly, follow her Lord with such reckless abandon and steady, determined faith, and now take the next step in Houston with such bravery. I can’t even get over what this girl means to me, what her honest, beautiful, life-breathing friendship means to me. She’s my walking buddy, my soul sister, my 5 foot hero.
I sat in that all too familiar empty space on Allison’s floor that has, for whatever reason, been such an inviting patch of carpet over the years to everyone in the house. Her room was always such a gathering place in the back end of the house, and we would always all end up there somehow and wonder how we all ended up on her floor while she was trying to do homework. That black chair in Allison’s room always served as my counseling session couch; something about that chair brought out my every thought and emotion, and Allison always listened so eagerly and willingly. I always appreciate that about her. We would share hopes and dreams together, talk out how to walk according to God’s will and how to handle everyday with grace, and then spend the rest of the chat talking about fashion tips, Aggie football, and anything else that would make Allison blush. And now, she’ll finish out her time at A&M in a new house where the Lord has told her to go, and she’s going to be the blown away by what God has for her future.
Before I started packing, I sat on the only visible free space in Shayla’s room, and that just seemed appropriate. We talked about plans for our futures and the futures of the men we love the most. And while I sat there, I thanked God that He brought this young woman into this house, even if only for a year, because she fit this house perfectly and completed it. I thought about how that room has seen so many different personalities over the last three years, and how each one has grown me and challenged me in different ways. Shayla, always the even-tempered subject of so much teasing, but she handles it so well and brings us so much laughter with her dry wit. Shayla, with so much devotion and heart, compassion and discernment. Her last year is going to be her best whether she knows it or not.
I think I sat looking at the bare walls in my white washed room for too long, because the tears almost started flowing freely. To recount all that the Lord has taught me, how far He’s brought me in just 4 years, would take more than a blog post. That room has seen so much laughter, so many tears, so much homework and wardrobe changes, and Friends, and slumber parties, and obsessive-compulsive organizing. Defining moments of my life in that room, moments that I can put a finger on and pinpoint when those friends became sisters, when I had to put my big girl panties on and grow up, when I had to make big decisions, when I knew I couldn’t possibly be more blessed. While it may not be for everybody, I can’t imagine a better way to spend my last year in that house than sleeping next to my sister every night. I loved every second of it, even if she didn’t always understand my organizational system.
This isn’t the end of my college journey, but in so many ways, it’s a bigger deal to me than even graduating was. To me, this is the true ending of an era in my life, and walking out of those doors for the last time this weekend will signal the next chapter. There will undoubtedly be a plethora of emotions- excitement at what’s to come, thankfulness for what it was, and tears with many meanings behind them. This was a special time of life for me. It was a time that I never could have dreamed up. When I was in high school visiting the campus for the first time, I thought, “I’ll never find friends like I had in high school, and this will be more about just getting through than anything else.” I was right, I haven’t found friends JUST like my high school friends; those friendships are special and priceless and in a league all their own, never to be compared to anything else I have because they can never be replaced. But I DID find another whole set of forever friends, a completely different kind, the only women I will ever live with that are not blood related. They know me in ways that no other girlfriends ever will, and because of that, I know that we are in this life together thing for the long haul, no matter how many miles separate us.
We’ll miss you, 1009 Dexter. May the Lord continue to throw His blessings all over you, and may you continue to be a light on a hill in College Station. Thanks for the memories.
“How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”- Winnie the Pooh
