Just Another {Week} in "Paradise"

Time for another recap of this past week J

FRIDAY-

Last Friday was SO MUCH FUN! After work, I got to hit the road immediately with the boyfriend, Andrew Murphy, Paige Goodson, and Kelsi Householder! We headed out to Austin to celebrate the birth of the beautiful and wonderful newly-21 year old Torey McDaniel with about 30 other great friends. We spent the evening at Maudie’s Tex Mex Restaurant fellowshipping and enjoyed hearing stories from Torey’s doting father about how she came to be such an inspiring young lady. It was so great to meet her family and see her life in Austin and how she has walked through this past year with such grace and faithfulness. Love you, Torey, thank you so much for inviting us and sharing your life with us!

SATURDAY-

After a short night’s sleep at the McDaniel’s, the girls met up with the boys at the Austin landmark Kerbey Lane for breakfast! Although we waited an hour, I must say, the great food and even better company was worth the wait! It was so much fun to just get out of College Station for a little bit, enjoy a new city, and hang out with friends that I haven’t spent time with in far too long. The car ride back was full of slumber for me! Once we got back in town, plans were already drawn up for another night of Fishbowl…this is becoming a weekly tradition that I LOVE so very much. However, playing with a group of mostly boys who enjoy using the most obscure words does make for a rather challenging game.

SUNDAY-

After an early(er) night to bed, we all somehow made it up for church the next morning and got to hear a fun message on dating from Trey and Marcy. I so appreciate the openness and honesty that Trey preaches with- he is so humble in the way he presents, and you can just see his love for Jesus and people all over him! I love Sunday afternoons- they are one of my most treasured times of the week! I love getting to spend much-needed quality time with Clayton, just relaxing and trying our best to do absolutely nothing. It’s harder without Sunday afternoon football, but we make do J We both got to work on our Bible studies together and prepared for Coach Group later in the evening. It was split girls and guys this week, so I very much enjoyed the quality time with Rachel and Bethany, especially the gelato at Mugwalls part J

MONDAY-

Monday was President’s Day- and that was about the extent of my celebration. Maybe I would celebrate a little harder if I actually knew it was a holiday before 3pm and if I had the workday off…no such luck! Monday nights are “me-time”- I am really not a person that needs a lot of that, but a couple of hours once a week is always much appreciated and productive. Bills were paid, laundry was done, dinner was prepared, and the Bachelor was watched. I weirdly treasure these nights.

TUESDAY-

This is always the most boring night of the week. I argue that Tuesdays are the hardest- you’ve already overcome the realization that the weekend is over, and on Tuesday, there’s absolutely NO hope for the weekend, none whatsoever. And I usually have a very difficult time remembering what I even did on a Tuesday. I remember making pork chops that were overdone and spending some time with roommates…but for the life of me, nothing else.

WEDNESDAY-

I love precious time with Growth Group girls on Wednesday nights! We jumped into 1 Corinthians again this week right in the middle of the discussion on sexual immorality, and the girls did a great job hammering out some tough stuff! Hanging out with these girls is one of the highlights of my week. Not being able to be involved in everything I used to do is sometimes hard, but these girls really alleviate that for me and I so appreciate their fellowship and friendship. I went to bed early again…I was really proud of myself for working out every day this week before work. Way way early, but I really enjoyed getting off of work and being done for the evening, having time to just relax and make dinner and do what I want! We’ll see if I keep it up, but I really hope I can!

THURSDAY-

Yesterday, I got to spend lunch with Coach Group ladies at the church. Praying and fellowshipping in the middle of my work week is such a blessing! Afterwards, I went with Hannah, Courtney and Katie up to Aggieland Pregnancy Outreach center to volunteer. We babysat some rambunctious (but precious!) kiddos while their moms spent time hanging out, getting poured into, and just getting to be able to be a teenager. I really love this ministry and what they do, and really appreciated a chance to help out, even in a small way! Being around children isn’t even close to my strong point, so I must admit, it stretched me in a way that I am not used to being stretched…always good, though!

Looking forward to a weekend spent with my parents who are coming in town on Saturday! Haven’t seen them in far too long and miss them so much. Then I’ll drive back home on Sunday so I can fly out of DFW early Monday morning for my next CC adventure!

Hope you all have a safe and blessed last weekend in February! WooHoo!

We Need Shelter

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears...

The Dexter Darlings are homeless for 2011-2012 (as mentioned before) and are looking for a new humble abode! We know we are still early, but we're eager to sign a lease and get plans nailed down! (Or maybe it's just me that's eager....I can see that with my roomsies...) SO if you are a senior and all your roommates are seniors and you're all moving out or know someone that is and you have a completely available house that....

- is 3-4 bedrooms
- is around or under $400/month each
- is relatively close to campus
- is pretty

...please let us know! We'd love to stop by :) We are excellent tenants! Thanks in advance!

As the Sparks Fly Upward

If you are not familiar with the way the Lord works throughout the story of humanity, Job may appear at first to be a particularly hard read, especially considering in chapter one God straight up allows Satan to tempt Job to curse God by destroying everything he could possibly have on this earth. If you don’t understand that Job received only a tiny bit of the punishment that is due man for the evil we are born with, then you may not be able to see God’s mercy in Job. I’ll admit, I’ve had a tough time reading it before myself, only because I have the mind of man and don’t see myself the way God saw me before He redeemed me- deserving of death and eternal separation from Himself. Only God could redeem me from that mess.

So in the beginning of Job we see a man who has gleaned from the earth a mass of temporary wealth, who has been blessed with healthy family, material possessions, and what appears to be great happiness. He’s also one of those rare examples of a man who amassed great wealth but still glorified the Lord and honored and revered him. He continually gave his best to the Lord, and I imagine he was one of those people that you wish you could hate, but you couldn’t, because he was just genuinely a great guy.

Once the Lord allows Satan to have free reign over Job’s life (his only limitation was to spare Job’s life), we see Job lose everything in the blink of an eye. I mean, he literally can’t get through hearing of one devastating loss before someone else comes in to tell him of another. I keep trying to imagine what Job was thinking in that moment….but truly nothing comes to mind. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone lose quite so much in one moment, especially in the ridiculous ways he loses them. (I mean, people come and kill all of his livestock at once and then a huge wind takes out his family---what??) Satan wants so badly to prove that Job can’t hold it together and praise God, it’s like he’s trying an “I Told You So” on the God of the Universe. And God just says, “Go ahead.”

That used to seem so mean to me until I really started to understand that Job deserved that. Job wasn’t a perfect man. In fact, Job deserved far more than God allowed him to bear, because Job not only deserved death, he deserved eternal separation and suffering for his sins against God. So when God removed His hand of blessing from Job and allowed Satan a cheap shot at him, it was His RIGHT to take that away. What Job had was bountiful excess of blessing, something he did not deserve or earn. It was all God’s to give and all His to take away.

So I guess the question is WHY. If God gave Him all these blessings, wasn’t that cruel to take it all away like that? I’ll argue that what God did for Job was actually infinitely loving, because that’s who God is. Man is born to sin, and therefore, born to trouble. The sins we commit are simply sparks that fly from the furnace of original sin, the preeminent corruption and separation from God in the Garden of Eden. It’s no accident that troubles come our way, they are flying directly out of ourselves and our nature. We were born to it!

So Eliphaz, Job’s good friend, encourages him in his times of trouble through truth. First, I love that his friends sit with him for seven days before they even say a word. Too often we rush into “fixing” our friend’s troubles when all they really want and need is someone to grieve with them, someone willing to sit in the trenches with them and cry, someone to truly mourn their state with them. That’s a good friend. So then, as Job starts cursing the day he was born, Eliphaz realizes it’s time for some truth in his life. He tells him to be careful not to despise God, but to see his troubles from a different perspective. God chastens those he loves. Also, these troubles of this world, they are temporary, along with every good thing on this earth. He reminds him that he has infinite reason to be happy, because he has not lost the most precious and worthwhile thing- his salvation and his claim as heir to everything the Lord promises. He has eternal security and life and joy stored up in the kingdom of heaven, and once he reaches that place where all troubles cease, he will be so overcome by the goodness and justness of the Father that he won’t even be able to remember his former life.

If anything, these troubles we face on this earth wean us from our dependence on it, draw us closer to the heart of God, drive us to the Word and land us on our knees. Yes, God does allow wounds, but He is also Comforter and Healer and Deliverer. Those things He absolutely promises. The trials we face remind us that this is not our home, we have a Father in heaven who sympathizes with our every need, and who understands our sufferings. He is not a distant God, no; He is actively involved in both the giving and the taking away! Isn’t that so much more reassuring than thinking God had nothing to do with it? Wouldn’t that limit His power and authority, making Him a fake, and our religion a farce? No, I want a God who is just and holy and rules over everything, even our trials. He allowed Satan to believe it was His doing, but no, our God is bigger than that!

Even though we may not be delivered FROM every trouble we face, we always have the opportunity to be delivered BY them.

Are we not kept from sin’s deceitfulness when we lay our dependence upon the Lord in our most trying of times? Isn’t being kept from sin, being made holy, of more value than being kept from trouble? The problem is not that we trouble, it’s that we don’t have the right outlook on our troubles, no real understanding of the state we were born into, no humble thought as to what we were saved from, or the very fact that we were, indeed, saved!

This is the very testing of our faith, the working it out with fear and trembling. How much of an exercise of faith is it when things are going our way? Sure, we can bless and thank God, just as Job demonstrated before he was tried; however, trials allow us to have a grave understanding of just a fraction of what we were saved from, and in that light, how much more can we honor and trust God?

“But if God raises a storm, permits the enemy to send wave after wave, and seemingly stands aloof from our prayers, then, still to hang on and trust God, when we cannot trace him, this is the patience of the saints. Blessed Saviour! How sweet it is to look unto thee, the Author and Finisher of faith, in such moments!”- Matthew Henry

I Was Made for Sunny Days

Today, I had an abnormal longing in my soul for summer. I’d say I’m typically a summer person anyways, but something about the weather today gave me an extra skip in my step and smile on my face. Maybe it was putting on a floral dress that bared my arms and lower legs for the first time in quite some time, or the warmer-than-February-should-be-allowed-to-be weather, or just the fact that it’s Friday and I’ve got the road and friends and Austin, TX, before me. Whatever the cause, I’m ready for summer nights, fresh tans, swimming pools, snow cones, lazy weekends, strappy sandals, tank tops, and vacations. Maybe I should wait for spring to arrive first…

So, I’ve decided that Fridays in my blogging world will now be dedicated to a weekly wrap up, if you will. Kind of a laid back, reminiscent weekly post that will detail the good, bad, and ugly of the previous week. This may bore many of you, but I don’t really mind, because I just don’t want to forget the moments, ya know? If nothing else, Fridays will be my time to reflect for me J

FRIDAY

Last Friday was a day full of travel! I was at the San Diego airport no later than 9am, and as I was flying from pacific time to central time, I pretty much felt like I lost an entire day! Which isn’t so bad- there are worse things. It was a beautiful day for travel- clear sunny skies, an iPod that I did not leave on the plane this time, good company, and great stories. Highlights? Probably the girl on the flight from CA to DFW that passed out repeatedly because she hopped herself up on too many sleeping pills and then topped it off with Vodka…I’m sorry, sweet girl, I have a hard time feeling for you on that one. The drama of calling “anyone in the medical profession” to the emergency on board was a little exciting nonetheless, and I was slightly worried until I found out the cause. I guess flying just isn’t for everyone. On the second flight, from DFW to CS, I found myself sitting next to the Offensive Line coach for the University of Alabama! I loved that we talked football for half the flight before he revealed this information to me. He did compliment me on my football knowledge and called me a “real football fan, especially for a girl” after I was able to list out several rankings of the recent recruiting classes at several universities which, for some reason, meant a lot. I do take pride in that, as weird as that is? Friday night was spent with my non-Impact circle, which pretty much consists of three people. It’s cool though, we had a good time at Ozona’s and enjoyed each other’s company.

SATURDAY

Well, the parents were supposed to come in on Saturday, so instead, I did my usual Saturday sleep-in, talked to my mother on the phone for at least 2 hours, and then began the search once again for somewhere to live next year. We randomly got an appointment set up in about 15 minutes time with a landlord who was in the area, and he showed us three different properties he owned that were up for rent. We fell in love with two of them, and we are desperately trying to figure out and finalize roommate situations so that we can sign a lease stat! Saturday evening, Clayton and Kyle cooked me homemade burgers and much N64 Mario Kart was played. After that, the now-traditional Fish Bowl was played as more friends joined. Life is so good. PS I have the best life ever- not only does my BF love to cook, but so does his best friend, and I don’t even have to ask them, they ask ME if they can cook for ME! Umm…yes!

Sunday-

Slept in once more- gosh it’s a bad habit for me on the weekends! I wish I wasn’t such a night owl. It really doesn’t jive with my new 8-5 adult life. Pooey. I enjoyed an afternoon of cleaning, watching Friends with Haylee, studying the Bible before Coach Group, and relaxing a little more. Coach Group is always a sweet time. I count it such a joy and blessing to be able to dig deep in the Word with others around me who have the same zeal and passion for knowing the Lord! I’ve grown so much in knowledge and truth this year through them and our studies!

MONDAY

Monday, Monday, Monday. It was typical in every regard…at least until about 7pm! Since Clayton doesn’t get out of class until then, I rounded out my workday, headed to the gym, cleaned myself up, and got ready for a sweet night in with my man! Since V-day is such a crazy holiday and everyone and their dog was out at restaurants, we capitalized on Carino’s sweet family meal deal and ordered out! Fancy meal at a great price, and we got to enjoy each other’s quiet company! The plan was to watch a movie, but considering I did give him a new N64 controller, there was no way we could resist! The roommates joined, and there I was, on our 5^th Valentine’s Day together, racing three boys in an electronic game from the 90’s. I think I might have a problem. We topped the night off by watching The Bachelor at my house with about 7 other girls. The best part? Clayton enjoys it just as much as I do! All in all, it was a sweet day. Clayton did not disappoint with the flowers and chocolates that have been a staple for us for several years. Thanks, babe!

TUESDAY

I do not remember much about Tuesday. It probably wasn’t all that spectacular. Wait….yes I do remember a little shopping spree. That was fun! Using the parent’s Valentines Day cash, I hit up the local boutique, Plato’s Closet for some bargain shopping, and then did my damage online. Still can’t wait for those packages…I finished off the night by cleaning out my closet because it is much too stuffed. It’s hard sharing a closet. My clothes had a hard enough time fitting when I had the whole space!

WEDNESDAY

Woke up extra early to join some co-workers at a breakfast benefitting the local Habitat for Humanity. Truly inspirational stories were shared, and it was neat to be apart of the community around me! And then...Growth Group night! Oh, how I dearly love these young women! They are such a bright spot in my week- I love hearing their hearts and growing with them! We had a great group this week of both old and new faces. Great discussions on some hard truths in 1 Corinthians 5 and 6 about handling unrepentant brothers and sisters and how to handle conflict. Afterwards, Martha and I went late night prayer journal/grocery shopping. HEB was hopping at 10pm on a Wednesday- chatted with the Impact director himself, MR. Taylor Morgan, ran into one of the GG girls, the beautiful Ms. Melissa Williams, and then got chatted up by Mr. BJ Holmes himself- apparently me telling him that his “pick-up” line was adorable prompted stimulating conversation on 5-course steak meals and breakfast foods….? It was a strange encounter, and he looks even more like a 12 year old in person. Still made for a great story!

THURSDAY

Yesterday was the definition of a long day. Out the door bright and early at 6:45am, Starbucks and homemade blueberry muffins in hand, I headed to Dallas for a trade show for work with a few fun co-workers. It was a great day, with the only drawback being that we were on the road longer than we were in Dallas, and as the driver working on an average of 5-6 hours of sleep for the past few nights, it was a long day. I crashed as soon as I was home, and finally got 9+ hours---just what I need for a great weekend ahead!

Thanks for listening to me ramble J I had a good week. What about you? Any highlights from the week? Good stories? Big weekend plans?

Obvious Advice and the Top of Our Family Tree

Today’s post is a pretty simple, hopefully glaringly obvious, wedding do and don’t advice. Take it or leave it. Just my two cents for the day. You’re welcome J

DON’T: McWeddings

Somehow, don’t ask me how, this is a new wedding craze in Hong Kong. Disgusting? Absolutely! I’ll try and respect that this may be a cultural issue and it is apparently a very classy place in the Far East…but no, I can’t, I can’t accept that. Sorry, this is wrong. Please don’t ever let the Golden Arches be your alter.

P.S. This milkshake sharing is not romantic.

The Ridiculous Story

Do: Anthropologie Bridal

This is a no-brainer. Anthropologie and weddings were MFEO (made for each other- there’s you’re new abbrev. for the day). The full bridal line was released this week just in time for Valentine’s Day, thus confirming that 2011 may just have been the best year in wedding planning history to be a bride. (If you didn’t catch January’s delightful revelation, check HERE). While I’m not sold on the gowns (although they are lovely), the pretty little sophisticated and feminine website had me at first glance. The jewelry, shoes, and headpieces are compliments enough to any blushing bride, and while they don’t spare the pocket book, one or two guilty pleasure accessories couldn’t hurt. Take a look for yourself!

Anthropologie Bridal

Fun things I learned today that have nothing to do with weddings: The Top of Our Family Tree

I have to admit, I did my first reading and then got totally sidetracked with other studies, life, etc. That sounds terrible after one day, I know. But today I read further into Genesis, and it wasn’t the Flood that blew my mind, it was the genealogies. I had to do some in depth studying on some of the interesting findings, and it’s amazing what a little word studying can do! Here’s what caught me off guard:

5:21 When Enoch had lived 65 years, he became the father of Methuselah. 5:22 After he became the father of Methuselah, Enoch walked with God for 300 years, and he had other sons and daughters. 5:23 The entire lifetime of Enoch was 365 years. 5:24 Enoch walked with God, and then he disappeared because God took him away.

Ok, so if you’re tracking through chapter 5, you notice that the first 6 guys, although they lived on average over 900 years a piece, their one line in Scripture ends with “and then he died.” Get to number seven? “God took him away.” Ok, I knew of Elijah, but Enoch? Maybe I knew that? So anytime you see something absolutely mind-blowing in Scripture, which is pretty often I suppose, you have to look into the “why” on it. Ok, so everyone so far has been affected by the fall of man and the penalty of death for sins. Not Enoch. No, he walked with God, and then he just disappeared! I like how another translation says “and then he was not.” Yep, no more Enoch.

As we see the trend of man spiraling downwards over time leading up to the Flood where the world is so depraved that God literally wipes the slate clean and starts over with Noah, Enoch is the one bright hope in the genealogy. First, he’s the magic number 7 in the line of Seth.  Interesting comparison? The seventh mentioned generation of the line of Cain (who moved East of Eden and lived in the land of Nod, meaning “of shaking and trembling” due to restlessness of the spirit without God, after murdering his brother Abel in jealousy and self-righteousness) is Lamech, an evil man who worshipped the sword. Enoch? He walked with God.

Second, they’re a special family, because his son, Methuselah, was the oldest man that we know of. Enoch lived for 365 years, but it doesn’t say explicitly that he started walking with the Lord until the birth of his son at age 65. So he looked a lot like the world, we would assume, and then he has this son, whose name literally means “his death shall bring it” or “when he dies, it will come.” Interesting for a guy who lived longer than anyone else that death should be a part of his name- another testament that no one can escape death alone! But what will come?

Well, the Flood! I learned that in another passage of Scripture, Enoch is given a vision of the eventual destruction of mankind and the judgment they would face for their sins. After this, he has a son, and in obedience to what he has seen from the Lord, he names him Methuselah!

Finally, he walked with the Lord. Not just knew of him, but patiently and obediently walked with Him, growing with Him in relationship. So much we can learn from this mention alone, especially followed up in the Hebrews account of the fathers of our faith. Enoch lived on faith in God (Heb. 11:6) and it was credited to him as righteousness. What a just and loving God!

Interesting what getting your nails dirty in Scripture will lead to- always buried treasure! Hope you enjoyed the nerd-out like I did.

My Valentine

This is my Valentine, Clayton Scott Messinger.



Isn't he cute? I like him a lot, if you can't tell.

This is our 5th Valentine's Day. When you are only 21, this feels like almost one fourth of your whole life, because guess what, it IS!

This makes me feel like I've had the same Valentine since I was a child. Probably because 17 years old pretty much counts as a child. Most days, I like to believe that 21 does, too.

But anyways, I like him a lot. He's really good to me. He usually buys me chocolates and flowers every year, and I never get tired of that. He could give me that every day and I would probably never get tired of it.

I think Valentine's Day is a silly sort of holiday, but I must admit, I do enjoy celebrating us, because I think we are something to celebrate. It hasn't always been easy, but the hard parts have made us who we are, and honestly, we're better for it. I love growing up with him.

I can't imagine a better best friend to do life with. I love that we can do that now by jumping into what God has for us in dating right in this moment. I'm thankful for Clayton, because he always points out to me how much we have been given, and then he reminds me of our responsibility with our great gifts- those around us.

Thank you family and friends, and Happy Valentines Day. We both love you SO much and are forever indebted to you for your love, support, friendship, and wisdom. I wouldn't get to celebrate 5 Valentines with my man today if it wasn't for each important role you all have played in our lives both individually and as a couple.

To many more Valentine's Days ahead!

Goodbye, Dexter House

If you haven’t already heard the fateful news, the Dexter Darlings of 1009 are no longer, well, Dexter. As of July 2011, not only will our dearest Allison and Haylee be leaving us, but we’ll all take that final step out together. I imagine that moment in my head will look something like the final episode of Season 10 of Friends- an episode that no matter how many times I watch, I still tear up at. Symbolic. Monumental. End of an era.

I’m not sure if three years of your life can be considered an era, but in my short 21 years, I’d say it counts for something. So many memories have been made in that house, and what has to this point constituted the greatest growing, stretching, and learning phase thus far. I’ll miss those internal brick walls, the awkward protruding fireplace, the green laminate countertops and floor in the kitchen, even the erroneous cabinet space above the bar that so many have injured themselves on (Paige?).

My house has been, without a doubt, one of the biggest blessings of my time in College Station. It’s been more than a place to keep my junk and lay my head at night- its been a haven, a steadfast anchor throughout the ups and downs. What I love most is that it has not only been a refuge for myself and my roommates, but in many ways, it has served that purpose for countless others. While some may find the rather boisterous personality of the Dexter house to be a little overwhelming, what with the never-ending flow of people in and out at all hours, I find it to be the community and family I have always dreamed about.

In my three year span on Dexter, the house has served as home to two Impact co-chairs, three Impact prayer teamers, one Impact exec member, two Phi Lamb committee heads, one Phi Lamb officer, four Phi Lamb covenant group leaders, one Bible study leader, and a whole vast array of various organization leaders. The house has averaged over the years anywhere from 3-8 meetings per week, with a flow of about 30-70 people coming in and out of those doors for meetings alone. Chaos? Sometimes. Joyful? Mostly. Blessed? Beyond measure.

I love the revolving door of community I’ve been blessed to be a part of. I believe there is one reason alone that I have been given this gift of a hospitable home- I prayed for it. Not a passive, whimsical prayer offered up as a one-time prayer request in small group, but a sincere and relentless request that God would give me a safe place, both physically and emotionally, with people I genuinely loved to do life with. In return, I promised the Lord that I would give that house up as an offering to Him, that I would put the gift of hospitality into practice in our home. My house is part of my ministry, as it is for my roommates. Our open door policy has always been a foundational staple to how we function, and because we know that our house is an undeserved gift and our community a very real blessing, it has always been out of the overflow of our hearts that we have offered up our home to everyone to share life with us.

No doubt, we will be living it up this last semester together, and you are, as always, encouraged to join. I know that it’s not the walls that make the home, but for us, these have been very special walls. As we look for a new dwelling place for next year, changes are sure to come, but one thing I can promise will never change- our heart is for people, our love language is hospitality, and you can always find good conversation and dessert with the Dexter girls regardless of the name on the street sign.

 

The Young and the Restless

Do you ever look up at a flock of birds and wonder why they can't sit still for two seconds before they fly to a new brand or telephone line? They drive me crazy sometimes because I just want them to sit still! And then I have to take a look in the mirror.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? No?

Ok, sidetracked, me either, sorry Katy Perry.

I was trying to think of one word that describes how I’ve been feeling lately, and I think this one best sums it up. Restless. At first, I thought it might be some void of emotion I was experiencing, and to some extent, it has felt that way. I think the routine my life now consists of is a bit monotonous compared to what I’m used to, thus dulling emotions and feelings that I’m used to experiencing. College is a bit like a rollercoaster in some ways- it’s the most idealistic 4 years of your life, and the transition from high school to college is abrupt and a little overwhelming at first. Once you are finally settled in, it’s already time to think about graduation and the next phase of your life.

But wait, I was just starting to get adjusted to this phase!

 That’s the thing about college- it’s not so much a phase of life as it is a transition, a really fun, totally unrealistic, random 3-5 year blip of your life that, once it comes to an end, leaves you with so many different feelings churning inside.

And then it’s done. The emotional peaks and free falls, that feeling of cloud nine and those late-night future ponderings, well they all end here. At least for the single graduate. Those crazies that get married in college, well, they are just asking for a whole new level of emotional instability. (I love you, crazies, it’s just not for me. And you can’t have your cake and eat it, too).

So that’s where I am, as you know, the single graduate who is over the initial euphoria of the newly employed status. Sure, six months doesn’t exactly make me a professional, but trust me if you don’t know already, six months straight of 8 hour workdays minus all the breaks college brings is enough to make you long for late-night cram sessions.

Why do I say “restless” best describes me? Because for the first time in my life, there is nothing on the horizon, nothing to plan for or work towards. Some may say marriage is at least in the future, and kids, and a home- yes, but not the very near future. I am a person who lives by a planner, from the day-to-day to-do lists to the year-long overview. Just last night, I pulled out my calendar to show Clayton every weekend’s plans from now through May. I like having that knowledge, it makes me feel secure, even if it is a little crazy. It’s something the Lord and I are working on, allowing me to be the way He created me while learning how to put complete dependence on Him.

That’s what leaves me restless.

 I’m expectant without understanding, irritable and impatient without inspiration. It’s the knowing what the next few months look like, and knowing they all look the same. And then the not-knowing of what comes after them, except the fear that they all look the same, too.

I’m a bit of a conundrum- while I do love routine in that it gives me stability (and what the pessimist might say, control), I hate routine in that it is boring. So I love change, but I hate the unknown…

it’s hard being me some days J

When I was in high school, I had a picture of what my life would look like after college. The job, the new apartment, the husband, the bliss….of course that image was quickly brought down to reality once I had the slightest bit of understanding of the value of the dollar. The thing is, I didn’t foresee the “holding period,” and chances are, neither did you.

Because we’re idealistic people, and we’re so focused on ourselves and our worthiness that the idea of a “normal” life scares us more than our dreams.

And that’s the very reason we fall into it at times, the reason it catches us off guard. You come to the end of the college journey and realize you don’t have a clue what you really want to do with your life. You stayed so caught up in the moment of the bliss of living with your best friends and experiencing every stimulation possible that college life brings, only to realize you missed the basics of how to provide for yourself or function outside of this God-given community.

I’ll be the first to say I’m blessed to get to start the “holding period” here (although, it’s not technically another year- I only got 3, people, so stop complaining that I have it made while you sit in sweats and drink coffee on your fifth coffee date of the day, seniors). It’s just that it maybe blindsided me a bit. Sure, I realized it was coming long before college actually ended, it just wasn’t a part of the childhood fantasy.

So I’m restless. Waiting to embark on an adventure, looking hard to see the opportunities from living in a college town, trying to enjoy the moment but not settle for it. Some days the picture of what that looks like is clearer than others. Those days come when I’m on my knees asking God to give me purpose for today. Mostly, He just tells me I’m impatient and much too hurried, and if I’d just stop to take a breather, my future that is just around the corner that I can’t see yet will be here. More often than not, my self-imposed restless heart drives me to myself, giving me more of the mundane to drown out the spirit of expectancy in me, that I should be giving over to the Lord. Goodness me, I just don’t do well with surprises! It is such misery to me to even know one is out there!

But God is good.

 He protects me from my own future because He knows I couldn’t handle it. Maybe I would want to run if I knew the plans He had for me, or maybe I’d be too excited to focus on what I am doing right now, or maybe I’d put up walls to people, or try and change the inevitable. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be able to handle it because He’s a good Father and this is how He protects me, teaches me, and loves me. If I could only slow down! Still praying for that J

If you haven’t heard Audrey Assad’s “Restless,” drop what you’re doing and listen to it now, whether you identify with my incoherent ramblings or not. Here’s the lyrics below:

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
(Oh God I wanna rest in You)

Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart

Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow
Let it rise
Into a shout
Into a cry

I am restless until I rest in You