Whenever I go to new malls, amusement parks, or other such large, public arenas, one of the first places I stop is the map. I like to know where I am and where I’m going, maybe more so than anyone else in the group I am with. I am a planner through and through, to my core, born and raised. I think I’ve mentioned this a time or two. As a child, my play usually involved playing secretary, meeting planner, or home- arranging for my Barbie dolls. Organization for me was more fun than the actual play itself. Setting up the game plan has always been a top priority for me- we need to know what we want to do, where we want to go, how much time we have, what takes precedence over another, what our route will look like, and what stops we have time for along the way. So to know all of that, naturally, I must know where we are when we begin. Am I starting to sound like an OCD crazy person? A little? Well, it’s probably true.
I can’t help it, it’s part of who I am. And most of the time, my having a game plan is of great benefit, especially to my not-so-organized counterparts, like my sweet boyfriend and sister, who don’t know up from down some days. When it comes to life in general, however, plans are a dime a dozen and usually barely worth their weight in salt. For those who don’t have a planner’s brain like me, this bodes well for them, as life seems to support their carefree lifestyle most of the time. For me, I sometimes give myself ulcers waiting for something to happen, wondering how my plan is going to pan out. I’m not foolish enough to believe that life follows any sort of roadmap we have set out for it, but sometimes I wish it did. Sometimes I wish my life looked more like the mall map, with its constructs and context, obvious paths and stopping points, its beginning and end. But in general, life looks more like this:
Plain and simple, here you are. And that’s all you should be thinking about. This is where you are placed in time. This is today. That is so hard for me sometimes- who am I kidding- almost always. I at least would like to know the next step. I’d like a heads up on my next big move, my next goal, what’s shortly up the road. Has society done this to us? Are we wishing away our lives because we so cater our lives to our plans? Is this just a problem I have, the resistance to living in the now?
It’s truthfully not that I don’t want to, and not even that I’m dissatisfied with where I am. It’s almost like an addiction to a roadmap- my life has always followed a pretty straight and narrow pathway, one that is designed by society, set up for our own success and happiness. Grade school, high school, college- and then the world is your oyster, which is so exciting, but filled with so many moral and personal dilemmas, so many possibilities, but so many traps. It’s an exciting time in life, but does anyone else ever feel like they’re suddenly off the radar? I may have been watching too much Criminal Minds recently due to this reference, but do you ever feel off the grid, unsearchable?
It’s not so much that I feel lost as must as I feel in limbo, in transition. Kind of like that feeling when you come back from the bathroom in the middle of the night and stumble around in your bedroom, feeling your way to your bed, a path you think you know but that can sometimes catch your shin by surprise. A little clumsy, a little out of control, but mostly just trying to stick to the path without encountering any pain.
There’s a lot of metaphors I could use, but in the most simple of terms, I have to remind myself of truth sometimes- that I have a path that my Father knows, He is for me, and so I can trust that it is a good path. It’s not an easy one, but I can trust that He has walked it before me flawlessly. Which isn’t intimidating- it’s the most encouraging thing I know! That a gracious Father has paved the way for me, that He knows my every want, every need, every desire and passion and vulnerability. He didn’t hand me a roadmap for my life because I’d probably be scared of it. There are probably many times that the path He has for me runs close to the edge of a cliff, or that ventures deep into valleys, or that wades through high waters. And there are probably times that take me to the top of the mountain, times in the sun, moments that take the scenic route for my enjoyment. God’s a good God, so He holds on to that map for me and holds my hand as I walk.
I’m not usually a good follower- I’m generally a trail blazer. I like to cut paths for myself. As I’ve said so many times before, God’s been teaching me patience, trust, faith, and good humor. And He continues to teach me through the mundane, through the nights where my only plans are to balance my check book and clean my toilet, through looking for a new house to rent, in a job that can sometimes test your fortitude. I continue singing this same old refrain because I think this is a lifelong lesson for me. Patience isn’t a fruit of the Spirit that I let flow freely from me, I resist it with all my hard-headed might. But it isn’t an option to learn patience- as I grow in the Spirit, it becomes my command, an attribute of His personhood that He WILL put me through the flames for to make me more like Him. I HATE to admit it, but patience brings us to holiness, which is the goal. I don’t like to include parts of holiness that I’m not good at, but there’s a reason He keeps bringing me around to this lesson- I don’t have a choice to learn it, and as long as I want to remain in Him and He in me, there’s some concessions I’m going to have to make.
I am so thankful He loves me so much to keep reminding me- have joy while you wait, serve me while you wait, have patience while you wait. Because our whole life is a waiting game for heaven, but there is SO much to be done in this time. I can’t waste that. I’m just thankful He teaches me lessons in my own habitat- the mall. Thank you, Lord; I am here- period.
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