The Young and the Restless

Do you ever look up at a flock of birds and wonder why they can't sit still for two seconds before they fly to a new brand or telephone line? They drive me crazy sometimes because I just want them to sit still! And then I have to take a look in the mirror.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind, wanting to start again? No?

Ok, sidetracked, me either, sorry Katy Perry.

I was trying to think of one word that describes how I’ve been feeling lately, and I think this one best sums it up. Restless. At first, I thought it might be some void of emotion I was experiencing, and to some extent, it has felt that way. I think the routine my life now consists of is a bit monotonous compared to what I’m used to, thus dulling emotions and feelings that I’m used to experiencing. College is a bit like a rollercoaster in some ways- it’s the most idealistic 4 years of your life, and the transition from high school to college is abrupt and a little overwhelming at first. Once you are finally settled in, it’s already time to think about graduation and the next phase of your life.

But wait, I was just starting to get adjusted to this phase!

 That’s the thing about college- it’s not so much a phase of life as it is a transition, a really fun, totally unrealistic, random 3-5 year blip of your life that, once it comes to an end, leaves you with so many different feelings churning inside.

And then it’s done. The emotional peaks and free falls, that feeling of cloud nine and those late-night future ponderings, well they all end here. At least for the single graduate. Those crazies that get married in college, well, they are just asking for a whole new level of emotional instability. (I love you, crazies, it’s just not for me. And you can’t have your cake and eat it, too).

So that’s where I am, as you know, the single graduate who is over the initial euphoria of the newly employed status. Sure, six months doesn’t exactly make me a professional, but trust me if you don’t know already, six months straight of 8 hour workdays minus all the breaks college brings is enough to make you long for late-night cram sessions.

Why do I say “restless” best describes me? Because for the first time in my life, there is nothing on the horizon, nothing to plan for or work towards. Some may say marriage is at least in the future, and kids, and a home- yes, but not the very near future. I am a person who lives by a planner, from the day-to-day to-do lists to the year-long overview. Just last night, I pulled out my calendar to show Clayton every weekend’s plans from now through May. I like having that knowledge, it makes me feel secure, even if it is a little crazy. It’s something the Lord and I are working on, allowing me to be the way He created me while learning how to put complete dependence on Him.

That’s what leaves me restless.

 I’m expectant without understanding, irritable and impatient without inspiration. It’s the knowing what the next few months look like, and knowing they all look the same. And then the not-knowing of what comes after them, except the fear that they all look the same, too.

I’m a bit of a conundrum- while I do love routine in that it gives me stability (and what the pessimist might say, control), I hate routine in that it is boring. So I love change, but I hate the unknown…

it’s hard being me some days J

When I was in high school, I had a picture of what my life would look like after college. The job, the new apartment, the husband, the bliss….of course that image was quickly brought down to reality once I had the slightest bit of understanding of the value of the dollar. The thing is, I didn’t foresee the “holding period,” and chances are, neither did you.

Because we’re idealistic people, and we’re so focused on ourselves and our worthiness that the idea of a “normal” life scares us more than our dreams.

And that’s the very reason we fall into it at times, the reason it catches us off guard. You come to the end of the college journey and realize you don’t have a clue what you really want to do with your life. You stayed so caught up in the moment of the bliss of living with your best friends and experiencing every stimulation possible that college life brings, only to realize you missed the basics of how to provide for yourself or function outside of this God-given community.

I’ll be the first to say I’m blessed to get to start the “holding period” here (although, it’s not technically another year- I only got 3, people, so stop complaining that I have it made while you sit in sweats and drink coffee on your fifth coffee date of the day, seniors). It’s just that it maybe blindsided me a bit. Sure, I realized it was coming long before college actually ended, it just wasn’t a part of the childhood fantasy.

So I’m restless. Waiting to embark on an adventure, looking hard to see the opportunities from living in a college town, trying to enjoy the moment but not settle for it. Some days the picture of what that looks like is clearer than others. Those days come when I’m on my knees asking God to give me purpose for today. Mostly, He just tells me I’m impatient and much too hurried, and if I’d just stop to take a breather, my future that is just around the corner that I can’t see yet will be here. More often than not, my self-imposed restless heart drives me to myself, giving me more of the mundane to drown out the spirit of expectancy in me, that I should be giving over to the Lord. Goodness me, I just don’t do well with surprises! It is such misery to me to even know one is out there!

But God is good.

 He protects me from my own future because He knows I couldn’t handle it. Maybe I would want to run if I knew the plans He had for me, or maybe I’d be too excited to focus on what I am doing right now, or maybe I’d put up walls to people, or try and change the inevitable. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be able to handle it because He’s a good Father and this is how He protects me, teaches me, and loves me. If I could only slow down! Still praying for that J

If you haven’t heard Audrey Assad’s “Restless,” drop what you’re doing and listen to it now, whether you identify with my incoherent ramblings or not. Here’s the lyrics below:

You dwell in the songs that we are singing
Rising to the Heavens
Rising to Your heart
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless
I’m restless
'Til I rest in You
(Oh God I wanna rest in You)

Oh speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me
Whisper in the dark
'Cause I know You’re more than my salvation
Without You I am hopeless
Tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart

Still my heart
Hold me close
Let me hear a still small voice
Let it grow
Let it rise
Into a shout
Into a cry

I am restless until I rest in You