Thinking

So, I’ve been doing a lot more thinking without writing lately, and somehow, that doesn’t work. I’m about to ramble, something I hate doing, but that’s what happens with disorganized thoughts.

I was talking to Clayton today about writers and speakers and how generally, they are not one in the same.* Please note, the following has no science behind it whatsoever, and there are probably more exceptions to this “rule” than true fits, but it’s my generic observations nonetheless.* Most great speakers don’t write. There are probably dozens of books penned in their name, but more often than not, a ghost writer did the grunt work for their signature pieces. Vice versa, great writers are rarely great speakers. Authors are often clumsy before an audience. In many cases, sheer wisdom and knowledge of a subject matter take over for nerves, but they aren’t always the naturally talented, easy-flowing speaker-type.

I fall into that latter category. Not that I fall into the “great writer” category in the very least bit, but I would say that my brain to paper connect is a lot stronger than my brain to mouth connection. For example, when I’m trying to think something out or work through an idea or a feeling, my go-to is my laptop. I write prayers, I brainstorm on paper, I practice important speeches or big talks in ink before I put them in my mouth. It really just works better that way.

So when I think without writing, my thoughts get jumbled, or worse, they get lost. Thoughts are so downplayed in this world we live in. Every day, we’re taught how to think less, how to be mindless and give less effort. We live in such a sad time where everything is automated, so when we have time alone, we don’t know what to do with it, because let’s be honest, time alone with your thoughts is sometimes work. I don’t want to confuse my thoughts or lose them, so it’s time I get back to writing.

And I don’t just mean blogging. I love to blog, and in some ways, sharing what I write is sharing a piece of my heart, even when I write about the mundane and simple. Writing is personal to me. So I’m going to get real with you for a second.

A person I have only known for 12 hours asked me today what my dreams were in life. It was supposed to be a simple get-to-know-you type of question, and I answered it in typical fashion. My answer to everyone is this: “Well, I love what I’m doing right now, but later on down the road, I’d love to be a part-time wedding planner. It’s what I chose my degree for, and I really enjoy event planning. In the end, though, I’d just like to be a stay at home mom.”

Ugh. That is not true. Let me explain. I DO love what I’m doing right now, it’s such a blessing in every way, shape, and form. Wedding planning has always been attractive to me, if you have known me for 5 minutes you KNOW I love weddings. I DID get my minor in RPTS because it was the closest thing to event planning at an engineering school, and I DO enjoy event planning. Being VP of Phi Lamb was one of my most favorite things about A&M, I enjoyed every second of it. I would love to stay home with my kids one day, I would count it a true blessing.

Let me tell you what is not true about that statement. Wedding planning sounds like more of a hobby to me, a past time, if you will. Why did I choose my major? Because it sounded like fun, I thought I could probably do it well, and I just needed a diploma at the end of the day. I don’t really JUST want to be a mom. I throw that phrase around all the time because it sounds safe. In fact, that whole answer is my “safe” answer, my “if everything goes according to plan” answer. In uglier terms, my “I can do this on my own, Lord, thanks,” answer.

How disgusting. The Lord gives His children each individual giftings to glorify Him, to give us joy, to worship, and to give us life to the fullest. I know He has given me gifts of administration, planning, and hospitality. I don’t take any of those for granted, and I know that He could very well use me through event planning, and I hope that if that is His will that I will heed the calling and chase hard after Him in this unique way.

But I’ll be honest, when I search my heart and ask myself questions like these:

-          What makes you come alive?

-          When do you feel the most content?

-          Who are you impacting?

-          Where do you see yourself fully given over to the Lord?

-          What do you love to talk about more than anything?

-          What scares you the most about all of this?

My answer to that new acquaintance would look a lot different. Here’s what my heart wants to answer.

“I love my job so much right now, in some strange way, the Lord has me here selling t-shirts for this time and place, and until He moves me elsewhere, I’m doing this! As I seek the Lord daily, I pray He leads me to chase after Him dangerously and fearlessly, asking for His heart to be mine, serving Him with the gifts He’s given me and the talents He’s asked me to use to further the kingdom. I hope I get the chance to help my best friends on their wedding planning adventures because serving my friends in that way would be the delight of my heart. But more than anything else, I pray that my heart would remain completely open to His calling because in Christ, there is fullness of joy, and in His perfect will, I am complete. I realize that I am not my own, that I was bought at a price, and while He does not need me for anything, He wants me for everything. So I am His to do with as He pleases.”

That might have been an overwhelming answer to my new friend, but I truly hope I can convey that kind of confidence in my Lord when I talk about my future and dreams. I think God gives us dreams and talents, but He ultimately wants us to surrender them to Him because our finite minds can’t fully imagine what He intends for us.

God gave me a love, a passion for words, for writing, for sharing truth and love and encouragement and honesty. That much I know is true. I think i throw out the wedding planner idea all the time because what is closest to my heart, my admiration of the written word, is also the source of my deepest insecurities. Writing well requires sincere honesty. When you lay bare your heart on paper, you open yourself up to every criticism and critique. I want to minister through writing, in whatever form that may take, but because I often feel tugs on my heart to pursue ministry through this gift, Satan jumps all over it with all kinds of accusations. “You’re not a real writer, you’re such a dreamer. God can’t use you that way, because you’re not good enough. You read other people’s blogs all day long and even non-famous bloggers are better than you. You can’t influence people if you’re not perfect at it.” And on and on and on the accusations come.

I have no idea if or when God will ever use this love affair that I have with words, but I know I’ve given Satan a foothold by not confessing it. So I had to lay bare the fact that I’m terrified to ever pursue anything that has to do with writing because I fear man’s judgment, I’m a perfectionist, it takes me out of my comfort zone, and it’s not in the plan I have for my life. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

Basically, I want to be His vessel in whatever He asks me to do. And I want to be obedient daily. Today, He’s asking me to sell t-shirts. Tomorrow, He may ask me to take a leap of faith. Next year, He may ask me to step out of my comfort zone. All I know is every day, He wants me to find my strength and identity in His name. And that name is more than enough for me.